I have reach a point in life as one would call 'the cross-roads'. Having to chose where to go next in life. 16 years of studies to this point. 16 years to be armed with a certificate that proves my academic worth. 16 year to that piece of paper...16 years to realized that it was all but a piece of paper. It took but 1 sms at the end to make me rethink of the reason why I have gone through those years. An sms that ensured me that I have gonna what I had been working for...yet it also points an end and a new beginning; a beginning which I do not know where to begin.
In the last year of my studies, I realized how I would not go into a field related to my area of studies. Why then did I chose this major? That is a good question I have been asking myself. At that point, I just wanted a safe degree, and I was good at that major. Maybe it had been a wrong decision on my part (wrong meaning that it wasn't something God wanted me to chose) But the main thing isn't me looking back thinking if it had been the right decision. What I can pull out from it are these few things.
1) God is faithful despite decisions that I have made.
2) I am really not as nice as I thought I was and am undeserving...yet He chose to give.
Picking this major because I was good at it, and the next step in life was a degree isn't a very right way of choosing. There wasn't much thought on my aspirations or dreams. The point was only to get a degree which gets a job and that's it. And how I struggled getting this degree especially in the last year of studies. It wasn't so much of the difficulty of the modules, but rather in me hating what I was doing. As the years past, I realized that I had no interested in what I am studying. Together with it came the fear of what I would do if I am not going to choice a work related to my degree. And also working on something that you have loss interest in for years makes you hate it. The last year was like a final straw since it was project based. That's when a beast appeared. I guess that beast was always there; just that I had never been pushed enough to released it. For the modules based few years, I still have a lot of time to myself to 'get away' from studies. Although I was running away from what I had to do, it was in my own time and I still managed to get reasonable results so I let myself off the hook. But that changed the last year with the project that requires practically all my time. I knew I wasn't doing well yet could not find the strength to buck up and carry on. I did many regretful things during that time. Even looking back now, I know I would probably do the same things again. Knowing that makes things worst.
But thinking like that, knowing how weak I am. Knowing that I would fail again and being sorry for it will not change anything but keep me down and guilty. I admit; I do not have the strength to even pull myself into some dignity. I admit not because I am proud of it....who could be. But because throughout these, I realized that God had given me an enormous amount of grace. It had to be because despite all those things I did, I am still here, with an sms that says I am graduated. I don't praise Him because He gave me what I wanted. I praised Him because He chose to give even to someone who clearly don't deserve it.
The humour is that despite all the struggle just to get that cert. This cert now holds little value to what God wants me to do. I don't want the beast to appear again, I don't want to struggle with a path that I have chose based on my own logic. I want that peace. It's really humbling to know that what one have is undeserved. I believe that was what I needed to know. If not I would prob put on airs and flaunt that piece of paper around and continue doing things my way; just because I think I can. And that guilt trip made me realized that I don't need to try to be someone I already am. Failing the very fundamental of acting like a child of God. Because even that is something I can't do on my own. But the fact is that I AM a child of God. And than live like one through faith. I don't need to act like one to be one.
SO...yar now for the next chapter of my life. Dear God please help me not to stray away.
