I feel like isolating myself again. I envisioned a lone house by the beach, so serene, so untouched, so beautiful. Nature would be my companion with no one else to judge me there. Yet I know that this signals that there is something is wrong with my relationship with God. The thought of this brings a smile on my face, yet I know I should not think about isolation again.
Sometimes, I step too far in my thinking. Happy thoughts, fantasying about things that I which I was, that I wish I had. At times, I will stop suddenly, like bracing myself to be slapped by God for doing such things. But then again, I know my Lord would never do that. I do not want to be one who takes advantage of grace. Neither do I want to be a grace-killer. I hate myself for knowing yet being so incapable of doing.
These days, I know I am far away. I long to be near, yet I dare not go too near because this means letting go. Courage, faith, trust, love, patience. I do not claim to have them. Yet I distribute it according to what others see on my mask.
So last night, I prayed again. Although I know that there are many things unresolved, I just wanted to go in and take a sip of his Grace. Mercy that never ends…I must be a grateful person
