Dear ...

I wonder is anyone reads this Blog. Not that there is much to it and it's not to be known in the first place. I have gone for many seminars, and have observed people...yet i still feel far from knowing myself.

They say the reason why teenagers (especially) use sms, blogs, forums is because of the need for others to know them. To let people know a certain aspect of their lives. We are wired that way, to be relational, to be intimate. To know that someone might even bother reading about them, who they are, what they feel. Well, i agree bout the first part...but sms and blogs have far evolved into something we use as in everyday face to face conversation. It has become part of that mask. And therefore humans are constantly finding new ways to allow just a little part of their true self to leak out.

If we are wired that way, why than do we behaved that way. O the shame of letting people know who we truly are. I think that seems to be a stupid answer, but it's the truth. How silly humans are...
_______________________________________________________________

There's a saying that 'what you don't have you can give' O God, would you give me...not more riches of this world, not more power or capabilities but a heart Lord. Help me to be the person you want me to be. Not someone i paint myself to be. I have failed terribly inside.

My Dream

I feel like isolating myself again. I envisioned a lone house by the beach, so serene, so untouched, so beautiful. Nature would be my companion with no one else to judge me there. Yet I know that this signals that there is something is wrong with my relationship with God. The thought of this brings a smile on my face, yet I know I should not think about isolation again.

Sometimes, I step too far in my thinking. Happy thoughts, fantasying about things that I which I was, that I wish I had. At times, I will stop suddenly, like bracing myself to be slapped by God for doing such things. But then again, I know my Lord would never do that. I do not want to be one who takes advantage of grace. Neither do I want to be a grace-killer. I hate myself for knowing yet being so incapable of doing.

These days, I know I am far away. I long to be near, yet I dare not go too near because this means letting go. Courage, faith, trust, love, patience. I do not claim to have them. Yet I distribute it according to what others see on my mask.

So last night, I prayed again. Although I know that there are many things unresolved, I just wanted to go in and take a sip of his Grace. Mercy that never ends…I must be a grateful person