It has been another year...
And I have been busy...very busy. And it feels empty inside because I don't have time to think. I have been doing a lot. But this time is different...I am not fearful that I am doing nonsense. Well actually, I feel that some of the things I do are nonsense. But unlike two years ago when there was uncertainty in where I am going. I know where i am headed this time.
This time, I know that this is from You
This time, I want to do better
This time, I want to try my best
This time, I know that even the seemingly useless things may be there to mould me.
This time, I have a motivation
But Lord, although I know that You have called me to where I am now, I still feel a sense of helplessness and just wanting to do just enough. Some of the things really seem unrealistic and useless. And the amount is at times too much for me to handle. And I had not been tight enough to protect that time with You. And I wish to drink from Your cup again. Please Lord, I pray for a new perspective, a burning fire to want to do this. Never, please never let this flame burn out. Because if I forget the faces of my students, if I forget their names, if I forget the purpose that I am here, what else is there for me to carry on. Sure money is a factor...but I don't think it will be enough of an incentive to pull through this. And how unhappy would I be.
Please hear my prayer. And help me change.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Monday, June 04, 2012
The Crossroads
I have reach a point in life as one would call 'the cross-roads'. Having to chose where to go next in life. 16 years of studies to this point. 16 years to be armed with a certificate that proves my academic worth. 16 year to that piece of paper...16 years to realized that it was all but a piece of paper. It took but 1 sms at the end to make me rethink of the reason why I have gone through those years. An sms that ensured me that I have gonna what I had been working for...yet it also points an end and a new beginning; a beginning which I do not know where to begin.
In the last year of my studies, I realized how I would not go into a field related to my area of studies. Why then did I chose this major? That is a good question I have been asking myself. At that point, I just wanted a safe degree, and I was good at that major. Maybe it had been a wrong decision on my part (wrong meaning that it wasn't something God wanted me to chose) But the main thing isn't me looking back thinking if it had been the right decision. What I can pull out from it are these few things.
1) God is faithful despite decisions that I have made.
2) I am really not as nice as I thought I was and am undeserving...yet He chose to give.
Picking this major because I was good at it, and the next step in life was a degree isn't a very right way of choosing. There wasn't much thought on my aspirations or dreams. The point was only to get a degree which gets a job and that's it. And how I struggled getting this degree especially in the last year of studies. It wasn't so much of the difficulty of the modules, but rather in me hating what I was doing. As the years past, I realized that I had no interested in what I am studying. Together with it came the fear of what I would do if I am not going to choice a work related to my degree. And also working on something that you have loss interest in for years makes you hate it. The last year was like a final straw since it was project based. That's when a beast appeared. I guess that beast was always there; just that I had never been pushed enough to released it. For the modules based few years, I still have a lot of time to myself to 'get away' from studies. Although I was running away from what I had to do, it was in my own time and I still managed to get reasonable results so I let myself off the hook. But that changed the last year with the project that requires practically all my time. I knew I wasn't doing well yet could not find the strength to buck up and carry on. I did many regretful things during that time. Even looking back now, I know I would probably do the same things again. Knowing that makes things worst.
But thinking like that, knowing how weak I am. Knowing that I would fail again and being sorry for it will not change anything but keep me down and guilty. I admit; I do not have the strength to even pull myself into some dignity. I admit not because I am proud of it....who could be. But because throughout these, I realized that God had given me an enormous amount of grace. It had to be because despite all those things I did, I am still here, with an sms that says I am graduated. I don't praise Him because He gave me what I wanted. I praised Him because He chose to give even to someone who clearly don't deserve it.
The humour is that despite all the struggle just to get that cert. This cert now holds little value to what God wants me to do. I don't want the beast to appear again, I don't want to struggle with a path that I have chose based on my own logic. I want that peace. It's really humbling to know that what one have is undeserved. I believe that was what I needed to know. If not I would prob put on airs and flaunt that piece of paper around and continue doing things my way; just because I think I can. And that guilt trip made me realized that I don't need to try to be someone I already am. Failing the very fundamental of acting like a child of God. Because even that is something I can't do on my own. But the fact is that I AM a child of God. And than live like one through faith. I don't need to act like one to be one.
SO...yar now for the next chapter of my life. Dear God please help me not to stray away.
In the last year of my studies, I realized how I would not go into a field related to my area of studies. Why then did I chose this major? That is a good question I have been asking myself. At that point, I just wanted a safe degree, and I was good at that major. Maybe it had been a wrong decision on my part (wrong meaning that it wasn't something God wanted me to chose) But the main thing isn't me looking back thinking if it had been the right decision. What I can pull out from it are these few things.
1) God is faithful despite decisions that I have made.
2) I am really not as nice as I thought I was and am undeserving...yet He chose to give.
Picking this major because I was good at it, and the next step in life was a degree isn't a very right way of choosing. There wasn't much thought on my aspirations or dreams. The point was only to get a degree which gets a job and that's it. And how I struggled getting this degree especially in the last year of studies. It wasn't so much of the difficulty of the modules, but rather in me hating what I was doing. As the years past, I realized that I had no interested in what I am studying. Together with it came the fear of what I would do if I am not going to choice a work related to my degree. And also working on something that you have loss interest in for years makes you hate it. The last year was like a final straw since it was project based. That's when a beast appeared. I guess that beast was always there; just that I had never been pushed enough to released it. For the modules based few years, I still have a lot of time to myself to 'get away' from studies. Although I was running away from what I had to do, it was in my own time and I still managed to get reasonable results so I let myself off the hook. But that changed the last year with the project that requires practically all my time. I knew I wasn't doing well yet could not find the strength to buck up and carry on. I did many regretful things during that time. Even looking back now, I know I would probably do the same things again. Knowing that makes things worst.
But thinking like that, knowing how weak I am. Knowing that I would fail again and being sorry for it will not change anything but keep me down and guilty. I admit; I do not have the strength to even pull myself into some dignity. I admit not because I am proud of it....who could be. But because throughout these, I realized that God had given me an enormous amount of grace. It had to be because despite all those things I did, I am still here, with an sms that says I am graduated. I don't praise Him because He gave me what I wanted. I praised Him because He chose to give even to someone who clearly don't deserve it.
The humour is that despite all the struggle just to get that cert. This cert now holds little value to what God wants me to do. I don't want the beast to appear again, I don't want to struggle with a path that I have chose based on my own logic. I want that peace. It's really humbling to know that what one have is undeserved. I believe that was what I needed to know. If not I would prob put on airs and flaunt that piece of paper around and continue doing things my way; just because I think I can. And that guilt trip made me realized that I don't need to try to be someone I already am. Failing the very fundamental of acting like a child of God. Because even that is something I can't do on my own. But the fact is that I AM a child of God. And than live like one through faith. I don't need to act like one to be one.
SO...yar now for the next chapter of my life. Dear God please help me not to stray away.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
4 months and we meet again
VISIT MORE OFTEN = 4 months instead of 2 years. This reminds me of something I once heard before. Which is better? Being Deep or deeper? The immediate response would be deeper. Because deep-er is suppose more. But deeper is a relative word, it is based on what was already there in the first place. If you were shallow, deeper might be deeper than shallow, but it would not necessarily mean deeper than deep. If that foundation is not there, say you want to go further, deeper, better would not mean much. Instead, aim for deep, far and great. Those words that carry their own weight itself.
Opps...here I am off what I actually wanted to write about again. Let's see...Firstly, I am glad that I am still writing. Although its rather writing without much planning, I feel the plot coming out as I write. I won't say its good or anything, just that I enjoy writing it. And writing, the thought process, choosing what to put in, especially for a long novel-like piece reflects what you think and belief. Its unlike compositions written in schools which were about a 500 words max. But because this requires is long term and non-examinable, and you can chose to write anything in the world you want...you review yourself. It shows what you have been thinking about, your views on certain topics etc. 4 months...10 chapters mostly written on the train since I have not much time to spar. But I look forward to Mid-April where I would have more time due to certain circumstances =)
But for the past few weeks and the next few weeks to come, I would most prob be hanging low. I don't know how to descried my condition. Jaded? It's like this elongated sense of tiredness. It's not like your emotions go up and down the extremes, it just stays moderately low. And I know that I am not alone in this struggle. Most of the students from my year are feeling this way. This is the last lap of the race for most of us, yet I just can't find the motivation to put in my 100% and just complete it. For me, I have chosen to take this extra year to get a nicer degree and see if I am cut out for doing research work. But after coming in, I learned that I am not cut out for that and would probably not do something related to my degree for that matter. A degree is important in this world especially for my country and I have almost direct access to obtained it from young. It was the only expectation I had. And just as well because I was good academically and that was considered good since science and technology stuff was view as more important than (Although soft skills are also termed important now). But more and more I realized that my heart was in. But just 2 more months...2 more months till the completion of all I have been working for. Than...
Speaking of which where my heart lies. I don't dare to say it definitely because I am still lacking much. But it has to be dwelling with people. That's where my gift lies although seriously I used to be so socially awkward before. Hmm..at this point in time, I do not know of the exact path that I would take. But I will carry on heading towards that direction till I find it.
So long for now blog...
Opps...here I am off what I actually wanted to write about again. Let's see...Firstly, I am glad that I am still writing. Although its rather writing without much planning, I feel the plot coming out as I write. I won't say its good or anything, just that I enjoy writing it. And writing, the thought process, choosing what to put in, especially for a long novel-like piece reflects what you think and belief. Its unlike compositions written in schools which were about a 500 words max. But because this requires is long term and non-examinable, and you can chose to write anything in the world you want...you review yourself. It shows what you have been thinking about, your views on certain topics etc. 4 months...10 chapters mostly written on the train since I have not much time to spar. But I look forward to Mid-April where I would have more time due to certain circumstances =)
But for the past few weeks and the next few weeks to come, I would most prob be hanging low. I don't know how to descried my condition. Jaded? It's like this elongated sense of tiredness. It's not like your emotions go up and down the extremes, it just stays moderately low. And I know that I am not alone in this struggle. Most of the students from my year are feeling this way. This is the last lap of the race for most of us, yet I just can't find the motivation to put in my 100% and just complete it. For me, I have chosen to take this extra year to get a nicer degree and see if I am cut out for doing research work. But after coming in, I learned that I am not cut out for that and would probably not do something related to my degree for that matter. A degree is important in this world especially for my country and I have almost direct access to obtained it from young. It was the only expectation I had. And just as well because I was good academically and that was considered good since science and technology stuff was view as more important than (Although soft skills are also termed important now). But more and more I realized that my heart was in. But just 2 more months...2 more months till the completion of all I have been working for. Than...
Speaking of which where my heart lies. I don't dare to say it definitely because I am still lacking much. But it has to be dwelling with people. That's where my gift lies although seriously I used to be so socially awkward before. Hmm..at this point in time, I do not know of the exact path that I would take. But I will carry on heading towards that direction till I find it.
So long for now blog...
Friday, November 18, 2011
Annyeong Once again
It has been ages since I even came to my own Blog. April 2009...that's more than a 2 years ago. But I think I would be coming back more often because I decided to write again. Not that I have ever written regularly on a blog, but to journal again. And with writing on the book comes writing here.
To anyone who reads this, this blog was set up for me, not for people. I set it up a few years back because there used to be a craze about blogs, so setting one up sounded fun. The things we do when we were younger...But I did not take into account at that time that my personality was not one which is open for others to see. Strangely, I am slowly opening my life up to those around me now. But that doesn't mean that I would be a blogger sharing every little piece of my life with others. Since this blog is still here, it has now become a place to just write. And for those who happened to pass by here, if a certain piece of my thoughts or experience have blessed you, I am thankful for that.
And also another reason to start blogging...I want to write a fiction. Not that I am good in writing or even in expressing my thoughts adequately...but because I feel that I had received so much and well, learning ...capturing the lessons in life through stories is a good way to learn. I believe that lessons could be told straight on...but how much is caught and actually rubs off us is based on how well we can connect with it. And so just like how a good friend has much more influence on you than you realized, stories depart points indirectly likewise. Actually I have only written 1 chapter so far, and am still in the planning stages.
To anyone who reads this, this blog was set up for me, not for people. I set it up a few years back because there used to be a craze about blogs, so setting one up sounded fun. The things we do when we were younger...But I did not take into account at that time that my personality was not one which is open for others to see. Strangely, I am slowly opening my life up to those around me now. But that doesn't mean that I would be a blogger sharing every little piece of my life with others. Since this blog is still here, it has now become a place to just write. And for those who happened to pass by here, if a certain piece of my thoughts or experience have blessed you, I am thankful for that.
And also another reason to start blogging...I want to write a fiction. Not that I am good in writing or even in expressing my thoughts adequately...but because I feel that I had received so much and well, learning ...capturing the lessons in life through stories is a good way to learn. I believe that lessons could be told straight on...but how much is caught and actually rubs off us is based on how well we can connect with it. And so just like how a good friend has much more influence on you than you realized, stories depart points indirectly likewise. Actually I have only written 1 chapter so far, and am still in the planning stages.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
2009, economic head crisis
It’s 2009 already. Switched on my computer intending to study, but unknowingly drifted here. So here I am posting the latest post. The only evidence that that the person who set this blog up still exists.
A post on the blog remains as it is. It captures like a picture what a person is like. The things that is big in that person’s life at that time. Published, shown for the world to see. I am still rather skeptical of blogs as a medium of true reflection…
But life still goes on. And the distance between the posts reminds me of how I was. The person I have become, how I evolved…especially in the way I think. Life did not stop when I wrote down, ’today is the worst day in my life’, it carries on…and there will be another ‘worst day’ and the ‘greatest day of my life’ to say of. I guess I am a rather control person, a wet blanket in the sense that I must be technically correct in such things. But we don’t always have to use ‘most’,’ best’ and ‘greatest’ for almost everything. The exaggeration only demolishes the preciousness of the word. Like how people use ‘God’ so often, so carelessly. Maybe I am being too critical, but I have seen enough to be able to mutilate and use verses and Biblical terms to my own agenda. Whether it is to please myself or show how holy I can be. And that became my shame.
Of course, it’s always easier to write, type, say things than actually doing it. If writing is the first step, than please do…if not please don’t.
I am in university now. Time flies…but still I have much to learn. Wanting to run always when I could only walk…soon, a fall became inevitable. But as I lay rubbing my wounds, someone reaches out a hand. He never gives up I realized. Sometimes that’s my sole driving force. Not because I can that I keep going, but despite of me, He never gave up. Nobody knows how terrible a monster I am. Yet to someone who knows, who knows the full force of my sins…it still amazes me why He does not give up. There is no logic or reason here. I am a science person, a person who argues by logic and reason. I am one who enjoys a good agreement on reason and can often point out what others cannot see, one who enjoys finding facts and answers and reasoning human behavior. Yet Jesus…His seemingly foolishness is the very thing that can leave me dumb folded. Like the Bible said, “God uses the foolishness of the world to shame the proud”
But there’s always a human tendency to reason back again. It’s as if we feel insecure about God’s love for us if there’s not logical reason for Him to. Just can rely on His faithfulness to bring me out of this every time I fall.
A post on the blog remains as it is. It captures like a picture what a person is like. The things that is big in that person’s life at that time. Published, shown for the world to see. I am still rather skeptical of blogs as a medium of true reflection…
But life still goes on. And the distance between the posts reminds me of how I was. The person I have become, how I evolved…especially in the way I think. Life did not stop when I wrote down, ’today is the worst day in my life’, it carries on…and there will be another ‘worst day’ and the ‘greatest day of my life’ to say of. I guess I am a rather control person, a wet blanket in the sense that I must be technically correct in such things. But we don’t always have to use ‘most’,’ best’ and ‘greatest’ for almost everything. The exaggeration only demolishes the preciousness of the word. Like how people use ‘God’ so often, so carelessly. Maybe I am being too critical, but I have seen enough to be able to mutilate and use verses and Biblical terms to my own agenda. Whether it is to please myself or show how holy I can be. And that became my shame.
Of course, it’s always easier to write, type, say things than actually doing it. If writing is the first step, than please do…if not please don’t.
I am in university now. Time flies…but still I have much to learn. Wanting to run always when I could only walk…soon, a fall became inevitable. But as I lay rubbing my wounds, someone reaches out a hand. He never gives up I realized. Sometimes that’s my sole driving force. Not because I can that I keep going, but despite of me, He never gave up. Nobody knows how terrible a monster I am. Yet to someone who knows, who knows the full force of my sins…it still amazes me why He does not give up. There is no logic or reason here. I am a science person, a person who argues by logic and reason. I am one who enjoys a good agreement on reason and can often point out what others cannot see, one who enjoys finding facts and answers and reasoning human behavior. Yet Jesus…His seemingly foolishness is the very thing that can leave me dumb folded. Like the Bible said, “God uses the foolishness of the world to shame the proud”
But there’s always a human tendency to reason back again. It’s as if we feel insecure about God’s love for us if there’s not logical reason for Him to. Just can rely on His faithfulness to bring me out of this every time I fall.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Dear ...
I wonder is anyone reads this Blog. Not that there is much to it and it's not to be known in the first place. I have gone for many seminars, and have observed people...yet i still feel far from knowing myself.
They say the reason why teenagers (especially) use sms, blogs, forums is because of the need for others to know them. To let people know a certain aspect of their lives. We are wired that way, to be relational, to be intimate. To know that someone might even bother reading about them, who they are, what they feel. Well, i agree bout the first part...but sms and blogs have far evolved into something we use as in everyday face to face conversation. It has become part of that mask. And therefore humans are constantly finding new ways to allow just a little part of their true self to leak out.
If we are wired that way, why than do we behaved that way. O the shame of letting people know who we truly are. I think that seems to be a stupid answer, but it's the truth. How silly humans are...
_______________________________________________________________
There's a saying that 'what you don't have you can give' O God, would you give me...not more riches of this world, not more power or capabilities but a heart Lord. Help me to be the person you want me to be. Not someone i paint myself to be. I have failed terribly inside.
They say the reason why teenagers (especially) use sms, blogs, forums is because of the need for others to know them. To let people know a certain aspect of their lives. We are wired that way, to be relational, to be intimate. To know that someone might even bother reading about them, who they are, what they feel. Well, i agree bout the first part...but sms and blogs have far evolved into something we use as in everyday face to face conversation. It has become part of that mask. And therefore humans are constantly finding new ways to allow just a little part of their true self to leak out.
If we are wired that way, why than do we behaved that way. O the shame of letting people know who we truly are. I think that seems to be a stupid answer, but it's the truth. How silly humans are...
_______________________________________________________________
There's a saying that 'what you don't have you can give' O God, would you give me...not more riches of this world, not more power or capabilities but a heart Lord. Help me to be the person you want me to be. Not someone i paint myself to be. I have failed terribly inside.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
My Dream
I feel like isolating myself again. I envisioned a lone house by the beach, so serene, so untouched, so beautiful. Nature would be my companion with no one else to judge me there. Yet I know that this signals that there is something is wrong with my relationship with God. The thought of this brings a smile on my face, yet I know I should not think about isolation again.
Sometimes, I step too far in my thinking. Happy thoughts, fantasying about things that I which I was, that I wish I had. At times, I will stop suddenly, like bracing myself to be slapped by God for doing such things. But then again, I know my Lord would never do that. I do not want to be one who takes advantage of grace. Neither do I want to be a grace-killer. I hate myself for knowing yet being so incapable of doing.
These days, I know I am far away. I long to be near, yet I dare not go too near because this means letting go. Courage, faith, trust, love, patience. I do not claim to have them. Yet I distribute it according to what others see on my mask.
So last night, I prayed again. Although I know that there are many things unresolved, I just wanted to go in and take a sip of his Grace. Mercy that never ends…I must be a grateful person
Sometimes, I step too far in my thinking. Happy thoughts, fantasying about things that I which I was, that I wish I had. At times, I will stop suddenly, like bracing myself to be slapped by God for doing such things. But then again, I know my Lord would never do that. I do not want to be one who takes advantage of grace. Neither do I want to be a grace-killer. I hate myself for knowing yet being so incapable of doing.
These days, I know I am far away. I long to be near, yet I dare not go too near because this means letting go. Courage, faith, trust, love, patience. I do not claim to have them. Yet I distribute it according to what others see on my mask.
So last night, I prayed again. Although I know that there are many things unresolved, I just wanted to go in and take a sip of his Grace. Mercy that never ends…I must be a grateful person
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)