It has been ages since I even came to my own Blog. April 2009...that's more than a 2 years ago. But I think I would be coming back more often because I decided to write again. Not that I have ever written regularly on a blog, but to journal again. And with writing on the book comes writing here.
To anyone who reads this, this blog was set up for me, not for people. I set it up a few years back because there used to be a craze about blogs, so setting one up sounded fun. The things we do when we were younger...But I did not take into account at that time that my personality was not one which is open for others to see. Strangely, I am slowly opening my life up to those around me now. But that doesn't mean that I would be a blogger sharing every little piece of my life with others. Since this blog is still here, it has now become a place to just write. And for those who happened to pass by here, if a certain piece of my thoughts or experience have blessed you, I am thankful for that.
And also another reason to start blogging...I want to write a fiction. Not that I am good in writing or even in expressing my thoughts adequately...but because I feel that I had received so much and well, learning ...capturing the lessons in life through stories is a good way to learn. I believe that lessons could be told straight on...but how much is caught and actually rubs off us is based on how well we can connect with it. And so just like how a good friend has much more influence on you than you realized, stories depart points indirectly likewise. Actually I have only written 1 chapter so far, and am still in the planning stages.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Saturday, April 11, 2009
2009, economic head crisis
It’s 2009 already. Switched on my computer intending to study, but unknowingly drifted here. So here I am posting the latest post. The only evidence that that the person who set this blog up still exists.
A post on the blog remains as it is. It captures like a picture what a person is like. The things that is big in that person’s life at that time. Published, shown for the world to see. I am still rather skeptical of blogs as a medium of true reflection…
But life still goes on. And the distance between the posts reminds me of how I was. The person I have become, how I evolved…especially in the way I think. Life did not stop when I wrote down, ’today is the worst day in my life’, it carries on…and there will be another ‘worst day’ and the ‘greatest day of my life’ to say of. I guess I am a rather control person, a wet blanket in the sense that I must be technically correct in such things. But we don’t always have to use ‘most’,’ best’ and ‘greatest’ for almost everything. The exaggeration only demolishes the preciousness of the word. Like how people use ‘God’ so often, so carelessly. Maybe I am being too critical, but I have seen enough to be able to mutilate and use verses and Biblical terms to my own agenda. Whether it is to please myself or show how holy I can be. And that became my shame.
Of course, it’s always easier to write, type, say things than actually doing it. If writing is the first step, than please do…if not please don’t.
I am in university now. Time flies…but still I have much to learn. Wanting to run always when I could only walk…soon, a fall became inevitable. But as I lay rubbing my wounds, someone reaches out a hand. He never gives up I realized. Sometimes that’s my sole driving force. Not because I can that I keep going, but despite of me, He never gave up. Nobody knows how terrible a monster I am. Yet to someone who knows, who knows the full force of my sins…it still amazes me why He does not give up. There is no logic or reason here. I am a science person, a person who argues by logic and reason. I am one who enjoys a good agreement on reason and can often point out what others cannot see, one who enjoys finding facts and answers and reasoning human behavior. Yet Jesus…His seemingly foolishness is the very thing that can leave me dumb folded. Like the Bible said, “God uses the foolishness of the world to shame the proud”
But there’s always a human tendency to reason back again. It’s as if we feel insecure about God’s love for us if there’s not logical reason for Him to. Just can rely on His faithfulness to bring me out of this every time I fall.
A post on the blog remains as it is. It captures like a picture what a person is like. The things that is big in that person’s life at that time. Published, shown for the world to see. I am still rather skeptical of blogs as a medium of true reflection…
But life still goes on. And the distance between the posts reminds me of how I was. The person I have become, how I evolved…especially in the way I think. Life did not stop when I wrote down, ’today is the worst day in my life’, it carries on…and there will be another ‘worst day’ and the ‘greatest day of my life’ to say of. I guess I am a rather control person, a wet blanket in the sense that I must be technically correct in such things. But we don’t always have to use ‘most’,’ best’ and ‘greatest’ for almost everything. The exaggeration only demolishes the preciousness of the word. Like how people use ‘God’ so often, so carelessly. Maybe I am being too critical, but I have seen enough to be able to mutilate and use verses and Biblical terms to my own agenda. Whether it is to please myself or show how holy I can be. And that became my shame.
Of course, it’s always easier to write, type, say things than actually doing it. If writing is the first step, than please do…if not please don’t.
I am in university now. Time flies…but still I have much to learn. Wanting to run always when I could only walk…soon, a fall became inevitable. But as I lay rubbing my wounds, someone reaches out a hand. He never gives up I realized. Sometimes that’s my sole driving force. Not because I can that I keep going, but despite of me, He never gave up. Nobody knows how terrible a monster I am. Yet to someone who knows, who knows the full force of my sins…it still amazes me why He does not give up. There is no logic or reason here. I am a science person, a person who argues by logic and reason. I am one who enjoys a good agreement on reason and can often point out what others cannot see, one who enjoys finding facts and answers and reasoning human behavior. Yet Jesus…His seemingly foolishness is the very thing that can leave me dumb folded. Like the Bible said, “God uses the foolishness of the world to shame the proud”
But there’s always a human tendency to reason back again. It’s as if we feel insecure about God’s love for us if there’s not logical reason for Him to. Just can rely on His faithfulness to bring me out of this every time I fall.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Dear ...
I wonder is anyone reads this Blog. Not that there is much to it and it's not to be known in the first place. I have gone for many seminars, and have observed people...yet i still feel far from knowing myself.
They say the reason why teenagers (especially) use sms, blogs, forums is because of the need for others to know them. To let people know a certain aspect of their lives. We are wired that way, to be relational, to be intimate. To know that someone might even bother reading about them, who they are, what they feel. Well, i agree bout the first part...but sms and blogs have far evolved into something we use as in everyday face to face conversation. It has become part of that mask. And therefore humans are constantly finding new ways to allow just a little part of their true self to leak out.
If we are wired that way, why than do we behaved that way. O the shame of letting people know who we truly are. I think that seems to be a stupid answer, but it's the truth. How silly humans are...
_______________________________________________________________
There's a saying that 'what you don't have you can give' O God, would you give me...not more riches of this world, not more power or capabilities but a heart Lord. Help me to be the person you want me to be. Not someone i paint myself to be. I have failed terribly inside.
They say the reason why teenagers (especially) use sms, blogs, forums is because of the need for others to know them. To let people know a certain aspect of their lives. We are wired that way, to be relational, to be intimate. To know that someone might even bother reading about them, who they are, what they feel. Well, i agree bout the first part...but sms and blogs have far evolved into something we use as in everyday face to face conversation. It has become part of that mask. And therefore humans are constantly finding new ways to allow just a little part of their true self to leak out.
If we are wired that way, why than do we behaved that way. O the shame of letting people know who we truly are. I think that seems to be a stupid answer, but it's the truth. How silly humans are...
_______________________________________________________________
There's a saying that 'what you don't have you can give' O God, would you give me...not more riches of this world, not more power or capabilities but a heart Lord. Help me to be the person you want me to be. Not someone i paint myself to be. I have failed terribly inside.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
My Dream
I feel like isolating myself again. I envisioned a lone house by the beach, so serene, so untouched, so beautiful. Nature would be my companion with no one else to judge me there. Yet I know that this signals that there is something is wrong with my relationship with God. The thought of this brings a smile on my face, yet I know I should not think about isolation again.
Sometimes, I step too far in my thinking. Happy thoughts, fantasying about things that I which I was, that I wish I had. At times, I will stop suddenly, like bracing myself to be slapped by God for doing such things. But then again, I know my Lord would never do that. I do not want to be one who takes advantage of grace. Neither do I want to be a grace-killer. I hate myself for knowing yet being so incapable of doing.
These days, I know I am far away. I long to be near, yet I dare not go too near because this means letting go. Courage, faith, trust, love, patience. I do not claim to have them. Yet I distribute it according to what others see on my mask.
So last night, I prayed again. Although I know that there are many things unresolved, I just wanted to go in and take a sip of his Grace. Mercy that never ends…I must be a grateful person
Sometimes, I step too far in my thinking. Happy thoughts, fantasying about things that I which I was, that I wish I had. At times, I will stop suddenly, like bracing myself to be slapped by God for doing such things. But then again, I know my Lord would never do that. I do not want to be one who takes advantage of grace. Neither do I want to be a grace-killer. I hate myself for knowing yet being so incapable of doing.
These days, I know I am far away. I long to be near, yet I dare not go too near because this means letting go. Courage, faith, trust, love, patience. I do not claim to have them. Yet I distribute it according to what others see on my mask.
So last night, I prayed again. Although I know that there are many things unresolved, I just wanted to go in and take a sip of his Grace. Mercy that never ends…I must be a grateful person
Monday, November 13, 2006
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